It’s getting to that time of year where an unacceptable amount of players are hitting the disabled list. Nelson Cruz, Jorge de la Rosa, Brett Anderson, Manny Ramirez and Felipe Lopez all hit the shelf in the past week. Before I start mocking Jabula about trading for Nelson Cruz, I’ll share this golden snippet from the good guys over at Razzball, who have a hilarious and informative site that’s far more advanced than our like dog-and-pony (guess which one’s who) show here at THATV.

I’d like to see a rule put into place that every player who has an injury needs to make two phone calls before they’re able to go on the DL.  One phone call to discuss their injury with Cal Ripken.  Another phone call to a Holocaust survivor.  If they can handle the guilt and still think their injury should force them out of action, then so be it.

via Fantasy Baseball Blog at| Nelson Cruz, Injury.

It’s a good rule to implement, and I think I have a few relatives that can help any major leaguer out to comply with it. I think everyone should just dye their hair grey, since premature greyness is clearly the solution to durability issues and confidence/impotence issues.

Although there’s no real way to replace a potential 40-25 guy like Cruz, there are some players out there who can fill his hole, so to speak (Editors Note: NOT sodomy). What would be the best way to tell you of these players? Why a bulleted list of course!

  • Marlon Byrd – Steroids. I know it’s unfair to cast aspersions like that without having seen him play once this year, but it makes no sense that he’s doing this well since last year’s “breakout” (he’s 32) campaign of 20 homers, 89 RBI and a .283 AVG. This year he’s batting .338, he’s socked three dingers and has driven in 15 runs, yet because he’s 32 and has never done anything remotely like this before in his career, he’s still available in 47 percent of Yahoo! leagues. Snag him if you own Cruz.
  • Austin Kearns – Remember when this guy was going to team with  Adam Dunn to form the most ridiculous

    The Next Bash Brothers...riiiiiiight

    power hitting outfield the world had ever seen for the Reds? So does 2002. Dunn eventually developed into a half-gorilla, half-donkey home-run hitting megaperson, but wasn’t that year. Well, Kearns has floated around since then in mediocrity, but he’s got a gig on the worst offense in the AL pretty nailed down now, and is making the best of it. After a five-RBI demolition of the Angels last night, he’s got two homers, 9 RBI, two steals and a .435 AVG over the past week. Two-percent owned, so there if you want him, everyone.

  • Jon Garland – Pretty much the Austin Kearns of pitchers, circa 2005 White Sox, except that team amounted to something, I think. Not after that year, after Garland, Contreras and Freddy Garcia never re-kindled that magic. Garland’s doing some kindling of his own this year in San Diego (a.k.a pitcher-career-Resurrector), with 2 wins, 20 Ks and a 2.57 ERA. Yeah, his WHIP is abysmal, but he pitches to contact. He’s got decent numbers. You want better ones? Don’t pick Brett Anderson or Jorge De La Rosa and get off my case.
  • Doug Fister – Already talked about him still only 23 percent-owned, still has a sub-2.00 ERA and sub-1.00 WHIP. Nothing else I can do at this point but laugh derisively at you for your injuries.
  • Francisco Liriano – OK, so chances are he’s not available. Just thought I’d mention that he was on my team last year, a year too early. He’s been soooo good. It’s 2006 all over again. 27 strikeouts in 29 innings, three wins, 0.93 ERA, 0.97 WHIP, a scoreless streak of 23 innings going on right now. One year too late. I hate my life.
  • Ian Desmond – In case any of you got screwed over by the Felipe Lopez injury, Desmond’s available. In reality, Felipe Lopez’s health should have no bearing on the success of your fantasy team, unless you’re Felipe Lopez and you broke both your hands, preventing you from adjusting your lineup filled with non-Felipe Lopez’s. I think that’s the only scenario. But I just want to show some love to the Nats, my adopted handicapped step-cousin who I can’t help but love despite my darling first-born Yankees. Desmond is the Nats’ second baseman, is eligible at both MI spots, and has stolen three bases while driving in 10 runs. Nothing else is spectacular, and really very little about him is worth owning, but he wears a sweet gold chain when he plays and is really fast. Just gettin’ the name out there. Someday he’ll be fantasy relevant though, I’m sure.

That’s all I got for today. Remember, if you want the ladies to be all up ons, try Just For Men. Your daughters will thank you and high-five each other.

One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Brett on April 28, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Ian ain’t the second baseman Ethan! Hes our future Derek Jeter haha


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